I’ve been home for almost two months now. I’m learning to relax. My birthday was this week, and I meant to document it in some way, but I didn’t. It was my first birthday home so it was special, and nice having my family around to help me celebrate another year of my life.

This week was also filled with too many feelings and a lot of introspection. I found two journals that I had written when I was a young’n, and I went back to read a message conversation between me and some guy that had happened three years ago. More importantly, it’s three years to the week that I met James, at the restaurant. Just a lot of feelings.

I’ve been reading this book by Louise Hay, called ‘you can heal your life,’ and she talks about patterns. My sister and I discussed this, where we realised that we would become emotionally invested in certain friendships with boys in our lives, and receive no commitment.  This was the pattern with last three guys I seriously liked. I would give of myself, and receive very  little in the way of commitment and reciprocity. Somewhere along the line, I learnt that this was okay. It’s interesting to think about now, and even to make excuses, like ‘oh but James came to see me,’ or ‘this person replied,’ or ‘he used to give me lifts.’ There were a lot of actions, but never anything that was concrete. All of it could easily be chalked up to these guys merely being, nice guys.

It’s definitely something I’ve had to think about. The idea of worth, and the fact that I am worthy. I deserve someone who will give to me as much as I am giving to them. I deserve someone who will tell me in their words and actions where I stand with them. I deserve and I am worthy of someone who chooses me, and never leaves me guessing. I release the need for emotional connections without commitment.

I accept that I am worthy of healthy, wholesome relationships..

Going forward, I refuse to settle for less than that.

Grace and peace ❤