25th.

I’ve been home for almost two months now. I’m learning to relax. My birthday was this week, and I meant to document it in some way, but I didn’t. It was my first birthday home so it was special, and nice having my family around to help me celebrate another year of my life.

This week was also filled with too many feelings and a lot of introspection. I found two journals that I had written when I was a young’n, and I went back to read a message conversation between me and some guy that had happened three years ago. More importantly, it’s three years to the week that I met James, at the restaurant. Just a lot of feelings.

I’ve been reading this book by Louise Hay, called ‘you can heal your life,’ and she talks about patterns. My sister and I discussed this, where we realised that we would become emotionally invested in certain friendships with boys in our lives, and receive no commitment.  This was the pattern with last three guys I seriously liked. I would give of myself, and receive very  little in the way of commitment and reciprocity. Somewhere along the line, I learnt that this was okay. It’s interesting to think about now, and even to make excuses, like ‘oh but James came to see me,’ or ‘this person replied,’ or ‘he used to give me lifts.’ There were a lot of actions, but never anything that was concrete. All of it could easily be chalked up to these guys merely being, nice guys.

It’s definitely something I’ve had to think about. The idea of worth, and the fact that I am worthy. I deserve someone who will give to me as much as I am giving to them. I deserve someone who will tell me in their words and actions where I stand with them. I deserve and I am worthy of someone who chooses me, and never leaves me guessing. I release the need for emotional connections without commitment.

I accept that I am worthy of healthy, wholesome relationships..

Going forward, I refuse to settle for less than that.

Grace and peace ❤

Steps.

I had an epiphany last night for some reason, regarding this boy that i developed unwanted feels for. I think i realised that this is not what i want. I mean, I’ve known from the outset that he’s not what i want. I expect I’m not who he wants either. The problem is aesthetically he is my type, but that’s about it. We’re very different people and last night i woke up to the realisation that, I’ve been having delusions of grandeur where he is concerned.  Our conversations were one sided a lot of the time, it wasn’t always daisies and roses. I admit that i am attracted to what he represents to me. A boy essentially. Because getting to know him was nice. But again, he’s not available to me. Like even friendwise, i think that value is an important thing. You need friends who value you, who value your opinion and friends who will tell you what’s up. But personally i don’t think he really valued my opinion. To be fair, I can’t say i valued his either. Although when i was younger, his approval was all i wanted. Him and his friends, who happened to be the cool kids.

For some reason after moping about the fact that he hadn’t replied to me in two months (yes i counted, i was a bit invested ehe), i was just like you know what? He’s not who i want. He hasn’t been in all the years I’ve known him. Even now.

Like so much thought time has been spent on him. God. So many journals, so many posts, and for what?

If i believe that i am worthy, worth it, valuable, then he is not compatible.

The biggest epiphany i had, once i could put a name to it, was that everything about him represents the past. He is the  past.

And if I am to move on from this, pick up and carry on, I must embrace the future.  I must lay hold of what lies before me and release the handful of what-ifs and what-could’ve-beens and just, let go.

For what lies before us is greater than anything we leave behind.
C.S Lewis (paraphrased).

Grace and peace,
♡