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The Silver Fox

and other stories.

My sister found this in the archives of her tumblr. I remember writing it, and i think it was about the boy who left and came back. I hadn’t been able to rid myself of the emotional entanglement until about a year ago. 

It was also about church and its frustrations. It was about me and my sisters and the constant fight to be part of a church ‘family’ that seemed to reject us and have no room for us. 

I wanted to leave. and have a different life. Write a different story. Change the entire narrative. 

This was birthed out of that.

enchanted. 

“I remember what you wore on that first day, you came into my life and I thought hey, you know this could be something.”

This time last year i was having almost daily conversations with a guy I grew up with. i may have gotten into my feelings about him, but a year later I can look back and honestly say I’m free of those. He’s a nice guy, very sweet, we just don’t, meet at the most important points. 

I realise though that for all those things, he may have been in his feelings for someone else. To be honest throughout our acquaintance, and my having schoolgirl crushes on him, I can’t say he has ever seen me. I don’t think he would ever choose me.

But in the last year, I have been realising that the right person will.

The right person will always see me.

He will always choose me. 

Every moment, every day.

The right person will.

church clothes.

I work in a restaurant. Every sunday like clockwork the after church lunch crowd will descend on the restaurant for their weekly lunch fix and every week i serve them thinking,  “community is nice.” 

I miss it. I miss being part of a group of people, of a community. I haven’t had that in a long time. I realise it’s important to have a community of people, especially in a foreign country.

At the same time I’m also a little afraid.

 I’ve grown up in church. Up until three years ago I was an avid pew filler. I had friends although I was not part of the cool crowd. I had always wanted to be part of the cool crowd. It never happened – mostly because I think I outgrew that need to be accepted by them. I say that but maybe it’s not completely true, because rejection by your peers hurts. We lived parallel lives- listened to the same music, lived in the same area, close in age- but somehow we really never clicked. It always felt like our conversations were hit or miss and we weren’t interested in the same things.

That was my community for eight years. An experience that felt like it was slowly chipping away at the wood of my identity and giftings,  although to be fair there were times used for good there too. 

In retrospect, it was a traumatic experience. One that makes me wary of church as an institution, and weary of being around Christians. My sisters and I often talk about it,  and to be honest, it was toxic too. There is still a lot to get out of the system, less than in the beginning, but maybe some residue still exists. The experience robbed us. And turned us upside down and inside out. 

It’s only recently that I’ve started to come out of the fire, and Jesus has been drawing me out in the last few months, reminding me of who I am. That he gives beauty for ashes, and he never left, even when the smoke was so dense that I couldn’t see. It’s him that whispers to give community another try, give people a second chance. 

And despite my fear, despite my experience, I start to think-

Maybe I will.

Mae – Just Let Go

“Are you, are you falling for me? This time, we’ll find what we both need.” 

Little Holy Spirit reminders.

I was in two minds about a decision I had to make when I looked up and saw this sign. Like literally a sign from heaven haha. It’s the name of the shop I was standing in front of at the time, but in that moment it meant everything. 

Holy Spirit speaking in everything. 

Made out of gold, you.

​The fire.

Things were buried here. 

Things uncovered here.

The fire.

Where it felt like things went to die.

Where i lost my sense of

I.
Buried under the ashes 

of all the circumstances 

The fire was where the period of mourning followed. 

Mourning me.

Mourning who i should be.

Mourning what should’ve been.

What could’ve been

If that hadn’t been.

Sackcloth and ashes; death it felt like-

The fire burnt up all of my self

Like 

A raging inferno of one thing after the next.

What could possibly happen next and,

When will it end?

Always winter and never spring.

But Aslan came to shake his mane.

No more he says. 

Calling to my embers.

By a name i can’t remember 

But it is mine.

Rise oh sleeper.

Awake for what you thought you lost was only buried 

Calling out the greatness in me.

Greatness? In me?

Are you sure? It’s me?

They threw me away you know.

I know.

They disregarded me you know.

I know.

They never saw me-

Now.

I see

You.

I see the best you 

Out of the fire you. 

The you who is waking up to the Greatness in you.

The depth of my love, you 

The object of my affections, you 

The one i love, you

All this is for, you. 

I love you.

Made out of gold, you.

I love you.

I, choose, you.

Every 

Single

Moment.

Every 

Single 

Day. 

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